Raising Boys + Girls
Street Mural: "Larimer Boy" and "Larimer Girl" by Jeremy Burns
I feel like when people ask me if I have kids and then proceed to tell them, "yes, I have a little boy and a little girl," they typically respond with, "awe a boy and a girl - that's perfect!" And the answer is, it is perfect, because that is what was meant for our family, but man do I find it challenging raising both a boy and a girl under the same roof and technically abiding by the same rules. Now, this is not to say that moms who have multiple kids of the same gender or even just one kid have it any easier. I just find it very interesting how I tend to naturally respond differently to each kid in the same scenario.
Kenny is my oldest. Kenny is 4 years old and was born an adult - I'm not kidding. He remembers every single detail about every single thing and typically reminds me of where we need to go and what we need to get- he's a dream to take grocery shopping. Not only that, his vocabulary is more advanced than most 25 year olds and he can describe his feelings on point. Kenny has a soft heart, a witty sense of humor and is a lover of people. He is also very cautious. Kenny is fairly agreeable to most things or can be convinced to be agreeable, and he is as regimented as they come. He does not like when he or anyone gets hurt in any way and we are learning that he is fiercely competitive. Kenny is a walking version of his mother.
Matilda is my youngest. Matilda is 2 years old. We did not know what we were having when I was pregnant with Matilda. I was convinced we were having a boy and Andy was convinced we were having a girl. Andy was right. So since that day in May, Matilda has been the biggest surprise of our lives. She was born a free spirit. She was also born with a few minor health issues that took us a few months to figure out. Matilda only does Matilda and she only does things when she sees it fit to do them - like crawling at 11 months (not 8 months), walking at 20 months (not 13 months), and sleeping soundly through the night at 12 months (not 6 months). With that said, she has an infectious laugh, she rolls with the punches, and she lives in such a free loving way. She's also fearless. I'm really envious of her at 2 years old, because she's determined to just be her - you can just see it in her eyes. Matilda is also very funny, she does not like to eat things on repeat, and she greets you with the happiest of hellos (typically a loud "good morning," despite the time of day) and a smile that lights the room. Matilda is a walking version of her father.
Now, when it comes to raising them both under the same roof, I feel like I run into road blocks ALL THE TIME. The double standards. Girls "should" do this and boys "should" do this kind of stuff. It all creeps up even if you don't want it to and even if you say there are no glass ceilings for both Kenny and Mattie, but especially Mattie - see I just did it. And then when they fight, and boy do they fight, I find it very tricky to discipline them. Mattie is a pot stirrer and and Kenny is a feeler so she naturally pushes his buttons and then he inappropriately responds (think hitting, pushing, etc). The other very common scenario is Mattie has something that Kenny inadvertently takes away from her and she barrels herself at him going straight for the kill - the ultimate pinch, scratch, hit, hair pulling, etc. Most of the time, they are both guilty to some extent, but then I'm stuck sorting out the fault and discipline. I know siblings will fight and that will likely be part of our reality for a while, but it's hard. On one hand, I'm very proud of Matilda for standing up for herself and taking zero crap, but on the other hand, she cannot respond to adversity with hitting, pinching, etc. And Kenny should not take his sister's toys away, but, to me, the bigger issue is, he's a white boy that technically has more "power" at this age (and likely will for years to come) than his sister and seems to use it. I feel like I come down harder on him, because of that and I probably go easier on Mattie. But is that right? I mean, boys aren't supposed to hit girls, but isn't the rule, just don't hit people regardless of boy vs girl? Is he more wrong because he's a boy and she's a girl? Is she more right because she's typically defending herself and her ground? I have yet to figure out or determine the answer to any of these questions, but I spend a good chunk of time mulling it over in my head. It's all so complicated. I often wonder what it's like to raise kids of the same gender. And to be fair, I also wonder what it's like to raise an only child that does not have another sibling to learn lessons from. Do only children learn not to hit and all the important social norms at preschool and/or kindergarten? Seems late to me, but then again, my kids fighting sprung up way earlier than I ever anticipated it would, so who am I to ask that question.
I firmly believe you get what you need and what you can handle, but there is certainly truth to the phrase, "mommin ain't easy!" Who originally said that anyway? They are a stone cold genius!
P.S. I'm open to any and all suggestions/answers to the questions above, even if your suggestion is a "home load" glass of wine each night. I don't judge.
Happy Parenting,
AFK