We Can Do Hard Things
In full transparency, the last couple months have been a bit of a doozy in our part of the world. Nothing catastrophic or incredibly terrible, but we’ve had a few personal things going on that have been heavy, stressful and filled our minds with some worry.
If you’ve been around here for a bit, you know our daughter was born with an abnormal heart rhythm. A type of heart rhythm that made her heart beat way too fast at any given moment. We had no idea for the first 6 months of her life, so she was in heart failure by the time we figured it out. Once we learned about her diagnosis, we had to give her medicine 3x/day. In addition to that, she had to follow up with a Cardiologist and wear a holter monitor 2x/year. After multiple appointments, tons of medication refills, and lots of worry by me, she had her heart fixed on September 29th. She had to be sedated and the doctors accessed her heart via the veins in her legs and burned the extra pathway(s) causing her heart to beat way too fast.
To back up just a little bit, I used to work in Cardiology at Children’s Hospital Colorado where my daughter received all her care and where her procedure took place. Luckily for me I had first hand knowledge of the providers and how wonderful the care is at CHCO, but I was also privy to the one off emergent scenarios and that caused me a lot of angst leading up to the procedure. The ending is a happy one, in which Mattie did great during her procedure, she woke up from anesthesia beautifully and has been living her best life (without 3x/day medication) every day since. I’m in awe of her and she is such an inspiration and continues to march to her own beat as she always has.
That should be enough stress for a bit, but we were halfway there at that point….
Back in July, I embarked on an adult healthcare journey I did not see coming. I will say upfront, adult healthcare is a total mess and I have so much pity for people trying to navigate their own healthcare journey without any knowledge/connections in a completely broken system. It has been a trip, but here is to hoping we are on the recovery side of things.
In July I had symptoms of a horrible UTI (TMI, I know) and I was lead down the path of a possible kidney stone. To diagnose a kidney stone, I had to have a CT scan - the CT scan was ultimately normal except it showed an enlarged uterus with a large mass. It was read as likely benign but you can imagine how my heart started to race and my stomach totally dropped. My PCP advised me to follow up with my general OB, except my general OB had just retired. Impeccable timing, huh? A week or so later I got in with one of my previous OB’s partners at the practice I had gone to for years. I had my ultrasound first and then I had my appointment with the doc. The ultrasound was read as a benign fibroid mass (THANK THE LORD), but that did not take away all the symptoms I was having from this large mass in my abdomen (I’ll spare you the boring and kinda gross details). My new OB (or so I thought) totally blew me off. She denied all the symptoms I was having and even told me this mass was in fact benign and not the cause of anything - I was basically making it all up. She also referred me to a Urologist who I owe everything to. I was furious when I left my OB appointment, however I knew if I didn’t advocate for myself, I would never get the care I deserved, and more importantly, the care I needed.
I was able to get into see my Urologist because my neighbor and good friend is one of her partners - another connection I’m eternally grateful for. My Urologist ruled out all terrible things regarding my bladder, but looked at me and said your mass is so big, it’s taking up your entire pelvis and she confirmed that my ongoing back pain and internal discomfort was likely due to this mini football size mass inside my abdomen. She called my Gynecologic Oncologist that evening and they reviewed my case and I was scheduled to see him 5 days later. Ultimately after more testing, an MRI and lots of thought + prayer, I underwent a partial hysterectomy on October 6th. My GYN Oncologist said it was the safest most effective procedure given the size and location of this horrible fibroid mass.
I’m currently ~ 3 weeks out of surgery and I’m feeling a little better each day. I’m still healing for sure, and I’m still working on getting my strength and energy back, but overall my burning back pain and internal discomfort is gone. I could not believe it when I woke up from anesthesia, I instantly felt a difference. I had lived that way for far too long and never knew what the exact culprit was, but now I know and I’m thankful there was something that could be done.
I did not come to the decision lightly, in fact it was quite the opposite. I wavered a lot - I mean a women’s uterus is kind of the essence of being a woman and I was terrified of losing that. Plus there were lots of tough conversations about the finality of our family being a family of 4, instead of 5. And if I’m being honest a lot of denial on my part - I had lived in a state of discomfort for so long, I really struggled to believe after the procedure I would feel that much better.
In the end everything went great, the procedure was effective and I’m on the recovery side of things now, but the days and months leading up to the end of September and early October were heavy and hard and terrifying. I do not write this post to create sympathy - I have an incredible support system who has showered me and our family with love, prayers, help and SO MUCH MORE. I write this to let people know it’s okay to ask questions about your health, it’s okay to get a second opinion (or third or fourth if needed), it’s okay to take time to process information, and for goodness sakes it’s okay to ask for help and advocate for yourself.
I know Glennon Doyle coined the phrase, and she was spot on when she said, “WE CAN DO HARD THINGS!” Here’s to hoping the holiday season is a happy one with a little less stress and a lot more light hearted fun + celebration. Thank you for being here and supporting me through all the peaks and valleys.
xo. AFK
